Doom Days

Charlie and I were talking about our “Hawai’i” days yesterday, and for some reason I can’t help but cringe when I think of those days. I mean how was it possible I felt worse then I ever had in my life in the one place I should have been happy, Paradise. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for going through what I did. I think it made me stronger and some what wiser; and I also met my husband, and one of my best friends out there, but I was just so unbelievably miserable. I felt so far away from myself, and so far away from reality that I did a lot of recreational things to cope with it. It helped for a little while, about 6-8 hours of the day, but in the end it just made it worse. I almost lost my mind. I was seriously and pathetically paranoid, and on the verge of self destruction. After Charlie moved, about three months after knowing him, he would come back to visit on occasion, and when he did, when he was near, I felt like myself again. It was so comforting to have him around. I wanted to hold on to him and make him stay every time he would leave. It wasn’t about wanting to be with him, or wanting to leave my boyfriend for him, I mean I wanted to leave him anyways, but it wasn’t about any of that, it was about holding on to my sanity. I barely knew him, but it just felt like he held the answer to my future. We kept in contact as friends, and we had never spoken of our feelings to each other or anyone else for that matter. I never even had a clue how he felt. And, I couldn’t figure out why I always felt like crap when he left, and how great I felt when he was near. And, it’s funny because when I lived in Iwakuni before I moved to Hawai’i, my friend Kris would talk about Charlie all the time, so much in fact I thought they might had been secretly gay lovers. hehe..okay not really, but he did talk about him a lot. Well, I would think to myself while listening to all these stories about, Charlie, “tell me more, tell me more.” He just seemed so intriguing, and lovely. I had never even seen a picture of him at this point. I had no idea who this guy was, but all I could think of was wanting to be in his presence.

Hawai’i…was a turning point. The sun, and perfect weather was deceiving. And, I know it was just the state of mind I was in, but I could never go back; deciding to leave, and ending certain relationships was the best move I ever made. I’m so thankful I didn’t get stuck.

This song is for mistaking false euphoria for true happiness.

Ratatat – Shiller